I don't have what it takes to be God!

If the position of deity in charge of the universe were to become vacant I guess I couldn’t really fill the job. I mean I don’t know what the big guy himself thinks about the position but I do know what his “representatives” talk about. And if the believers themselves have any idea about what they are talking about then I know I couldn’t do the job.

I just can’t get real worked up over what adults choose to do with their genitals in private. Apparently the Divine One is obsessed with this topic. He is is rather irate that some adolescent somewhere is rubbing away and enjoys it immensely. That concerns him. I’m more of the “If they don’t do in traffic and hold everyone else up it’s their own business” kind of person. Apparently my laissez faire attitude disqualifies me for the position of top god.

And there are lots of people I’m supposed to enjoy torturing for eternity. I can’t do it. I simply can’t. I’m just not righteous enough to want to inflict pain on others. I run into people all the time who don’t agree with me. I’ve never been tempted to send them to damnation forever over it. Now and then some idiot comes along and I wouldn’t mind busting his chops. But the temptation usually goes away very quickly. I’m just not vindictive enough to be a god.

There is one area I might qualify on. I like to write. I’ve even written books. Some have even been published. Gods are big into books. Of course when a god writes a book, or commissions one, it becomes a holy book. My books haven’t been elevated to that status. But I have hopes.

But even there I fall short. When I write something I say what I mean. I try not to be confusing. I don’t put obstacles in the way for the average reader to help confuse them. Sure now and then I write something that someone else just doesn’t understand but I consider that a failure on my part. I certainly wouldn’t run around talking in parables that confuse everyone and lead to a hundred different interpretations.

One time I had someone spike something I ate. I have no idea what it was and it scared the hell out of me. I sought medical help but couldn’t get a coherent sentence out for the life of me. I wouldn’t consider that a “Revelation” but nonsense. I would strive to avoid that. Of course as a god I could choose to be the best I could be.

Millions of people starve to death every year. Children are dying from diseases which are easily cured. Yet I, as the Lord of All, would have to ignore this so I can concentrate on the big issues. Instead of saving lives I have to send down judgement because two men love each other or because someone wrote a racy novel or took naughty pictures.

I would find it difficult to live up to my divine hierarchy of values. I would want to do something about the children who are beaten and murdered by their parents. I wouldn’t be telling these sadists that whipping kids is a good thing. And I certainly wouldn’t tell the kids who were victims of abuse that they are obligated to “honour” the bastard that hurt them.

My Ten Commandments wouldn’t be very divine either I suspect. I would not start out with all this stuff about “me, me, me”. If they want to have another god other than me well that’s their choice. I wouldn’t put them to death for it. If they want to waste money on graven images my view would be: they earned it they can spend it. I wouldn’t be telling them they had no choice but to honour my Sabbath day either. But I might talk about respecting the rights of others, not intentionally causing pain for anyone, really insignificant, ungodlike things such as that. You see what I mean when I say my priorities are just all screwed up.

And if one of my “people” fucked up enough to warrant my personal attention I might show up in the burning bush sort of way and say: “Cut the shit or I’m going to knock you on your arse.” Clear, to the point, and directed to the person deserving the punishment. I couldn’t pull off one of these things where I want punish the sinners of New Orleans by blowing down half the houses along the coast.

If some offensive people on the beach in Thailand got my attention I wouldn’t send a tsunami that just happens to kill over 100,000 other people along the way. I just can’t go along with divine collateral damage so I wouldn’t be a very good deity.

I just fail all across the board when it comes to qualifying as a god. I’m too humane and too human. If I want to be more godlike I will simply have to be more inhumane and inhuman like the good Christians I know.