Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Advice for Mormon wankers.

Sometimes religion is actually funny. And to get away from the deadly, destructive side of it I thought we'd get some sex advice from the Mormons. They are an interesting lot with their doctrine of spirit babies, Adam being Jesus, and men becoming gods themselves through the rituals of the Mormon Church--much of which was borrowed from the Masons. And they promise their members that they will go through eternity having sex to create more of those spirit babies. What they are not fond of is solo sex. You might get away with 40 wives but a wank is not acceptable.

Here is some advice that the Mormons have given to overcome the secret sin. I won't go into all of them just the low-lights.

#2. "Avoid being alone as much as possible." (Of course when their missionaries spend all there time together under this theory, with no sexual release allowed, they often end up in each other arms.)

#3. "If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP." The problem here is that this contradicts the previous suggestion. If the typical Mormon youth avoided everyone having this same problem he would spend all his time alone.

#6 "If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A SNACK." Well this should lead to some really huge Mormons. Being overweight is the obvious answer. An extra few hundred pounds and they would not be able to reach what this tract calls "the vital parts".

Other suggestions include yelling "STOP" as loud as one can when tempted.In the Osmond household, with all those boys, no one would get any sleep.

They also suggested sleeping with a Book of Mormon in hand. If you simply end up with sticky pages they suggest tying one's hand to the bedpost. Another idea is to carry a calendar and color days black when one gives into temptation. It would probably be cheaper to sell calendars that are on black paper. Other suggestions are to keep your bladder empty. But wouldn't that require constant touching of the vital parts?? And one should avoid spicy food.


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